


a picture of love (you and me)

by orphan_account



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: And Alex feels feelings he hasnt in a while, Angst and Fluff, Background George/Will, Cigarettes, Drinking, Flashbacks, He also has a boyfriend, It's good I promise, James and Alex go on tour, James loves him so much, M/M, Memories, Mutual Pining, Past and Present, falling back in love, kind of, lots of balcony scenes, they're ex boyfriends, youll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-28 22:49:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20433752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: " What him and James had couldn't be considered boyfriends, and whatever it was, it's over now. At least that's what Alex tells himself over and over like a teeter totter. "-or, alex has a new boyfriend and james, whos on tour with him, is still in love with him





	a picture of love (you and me)

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY SO FIRST OFF  
this is the longest fic ive posted on ao3, and im actually really proud of it?  
ever section thats in italics is a flashback!  
also here are a few songs that remind me of this fic for u to think about/listen to while reading!
> 
> \- i wanna go down with you // RUSS  
\- more than this // one direction  
\- say you won't let go // james arthur  
\- would you be so kind // dodie  
\- two ghosts // harry styles  
\- long night // with confidence  
\- make you mine // PUBLIC  
\- ease my mind // ben platt  
\- the only exception // paramore

Alex is happy.

After a year of high highs, low lows and trying to get to a point where he was emotionally stable, he thinks he's walking into 2020 genuinely happy.

He feels arms snake around his waist, making him jump, "Oliver," He chuckles, "Scared me."

His boyfriend, tall and blonde, made him happy. His eyes, crystal blue and so filled with stories that he could talk for hours and Alex would listen.

They've been dating for a couple of months, time blurring from hazy smiles and kisses, Alex is happy.

"Gonna miss you," Oliver says, slender fingers dancing across his hips as he smushes his cheek in Alex's shoulder.

"Melt," Alex mutters, falling into his chest, "It'll only be three months and you can come visit when your job lets you."

"I know," He sighs, disappearing from behind him, "Hey George."  
George shuffles into the kitchen, yawning widely, "Was gonna snag a cuppa," he says, leaning into the counter, "Should I leave you two or..?"

Alex snorts, taking the kettle off the burner and giving George a pointed look, "We're fine, thank you."

Alex likes this, he thinks, it's easy. He wakes up to his boyfriend, there's George, his other friends both in other countries and down the street. Coffee cups and cameras and growing on his platform, everything was simple, easy, and just how he liked.

"Oli, you still gonna come lose at FIFA when your man is across the country? Will’s just gonna wanna snog instead of playin’."

"And you won't play Fraser 'cause he'd win," Alex chimes, stirring his tea with a knowing grin.

George scoffed and threw his tea packet at him.

This is easy, he thinks, everything in his life had calmed down - except James… James isn't easy.

"_I_ _like a challenge," James said, eyes dark as he coaxed Alex's gaze upwards, fingers trailing down his jaw._

_"Must love yourself then," Alex breathed, leaning forward to try and kiss him. James pushed him back gently, fingers prodding at his chest._

_“Ah ah ah,” he chuckled, “Slow down, pretty boy. Patience.”  
James did something to Alex that no one else has - made him want him more than he's ever wanted anyone. He needed him._

_It was a feeling deep in his gut, desire you could call it. Whatever it was, James was holding it away from him, patting him on his head with a cocky smirk._

“Isn't that right, Al?” Oliver laughs, breaking Alex away from his tornado of a memory.

“Yeah,” Alex agrees despite having zero clue what the conversation was. He turns to him, leaning up and kissing the blonde sweetly.

George makes a gagging noise, leaving the kitchen quickly with a shake of the head.

“Oh shut it, you’re not the only one with a boyfriend!” Alex teases, turning back to smile at Oliver.

“You're good at getting him to go away,” Oli whispers beside his ear, loud enough for George to still hear from the other room.

This is enough, he thinks. Oliver as his boyfriend is enough for him.

What him and James had couldn't be considered boyfriends, and whatever it was, it's over now. At least that's what Alex tells himself over and over like a teeter totter.

He feels sad to be leaving Oliver, getting in the uber to the hotel next to their first liveshow.

“Don't miss me too much,” Alex jokes, pulling away from the hug.

“Oh I will,” Oliver chuckles, patting his shoulder. “Have fun and I’ll see you soon.”

James waves him over, stuffing his suitcases in the trunk and taking Alex’s to do the same, “Ready for our adventure, partner?”

Alex grins, nodding curtly as they get in the car.

_James’ fingers ran through Alex’s hair, humming a song he had been working on the past few weeks. It was a calm day, rain hit the roof and made scenic white noise for them to listen to._

_Alex’s head was rested in James’ lap, scrolling through his phone and feeling content. Peaceful._

_“I wanna do something,” James said, “Wanna go for a walk?”_

_“It’s pouring, mate,” Alex smiled, eyes shut as James’ fingers lulled him into a sense of comfort._

_“And? It'll be fun!”_

_Had it been anyone else Alex would've said no, but as he was dragged outside into the buckets of water falling from above, he realized that this must show how much he liked this boy._

_“It's not even warm rain! It's bloody freezing!” Alex complained through his laughter. James held his hand as he dragged him through the streets of London, clothes soaked through._

_People on the streets gave them the weirdest looks, all sensible with umbrellas. Alex didn't care though._

_The sky was gray and cloudy, but James smiling back at him was the clearest picture of sunlight he’d ever felt._

_He let James lead him until his legs hurt. He let James hug him, shirt fabric sticking together. He let James kiss him, in the middle of the sidewalk for all of London to see._

_It wasn't like the movies when they’d kiss in the rain - it felt slippery and awkward, but it was somehow so perfect that Alex wishes it had never ended._

_He thought anything might be perfect as long as it’s with James, freezing rain and all._

“This hotel is nice,” Alex comments as he sets his back down by one of the beds.

“Don’t get too attached to it,” James chuckles, “Only gonna be here for a night or two.”

Alex nods and collapses back onto the mattress, sighing, “We have our first show in three hours, think I have enough time to sleep?”

James grins at him as he kicks his shoes off, “Nap time?”

“Nap time,” Alex laughs and nods excitedly.

James lays down in the other bed and sets a timer, “Ready and go!”

Alex can’t help but smile as he closes his eyes. He thinks of all the naps he used to take with James, similar enough to this but without the double beds, and their limbs tangled together.

Thinking of the times he and James used to spend with one another leaves an awful ache in his chest that he can’t seem to identify.

Complicated. It was too complicated when it came to James.

He thinks about the kisses, sweet words, the dates, everything in the months they’d shared. But it’s over, Alex has to remind himself. He’s moved on and James probably will too, with a pretty girl or a handsome boy better than Alex himself.

Something he couldn’t offer they’ll have, and that’s what Alex has to remember.

Oliver is good. He’s kind, cute, and makes Alex happy. He likes him. He does.

_Sometimes Alex and James would just lay and listen to music together, and that was enough to keep them entertained.  
_

_The taller’s hands were massaging over Alex’s back, comments being made about how tense his shoulders felt and how he needed to relax more.  
_

_A song switched on and Alex recognized it as ‘I wanna go down with you’ by Russ, a song that James had once said he associated with Alex. _

_The soft piano makes Alex smile as he leaned up to smile at James.  
_

_Suddenly, Alex was being pulled up of the bed and onto the floor, wobbling a little as he regained his balance. James had one hand on his hip and other lacing with Alex’s fingers.  
_

_“What are you-” Alex started to say, but James was humming the first few lines and swaying and then Alex understood. He held his hand tighter and let his other settle on his shoulder, and then they were dancing. In the candle light of James’ room.  
_

_“I wanna slow dance with you while they’re screaming,” James sang quietly over the song, looking at him with the gentleness in his eyes that made Alex feel soft through his veins.  
_

_James spun him, careful and slow, like they were in a movie, and Alex felt like he was floating.  
_

_“'Cause I can't risk it all for you If you don't see that I'm all for you,” James sang, louder than last time, bringing the hand previously holding Alex’s to touch the side of his face, tilting it up to press a kiss to his lips.  
_

_They mended together naturally, lips and arms and a swaying motion that made the song seem like part of them. The melody swam around them like smoke, strong and soft at the same time, passing by slowly. _

_“You’re all that I need,” The song sang, and the way James smiled at him then, like the words were coming from him, made one thing certain - Alex was falling hard._

“That was exhilarating!” James says the second they get off stage,

“Mate I might be an alcoholic, but the high of performing is amazing!”

Alex agrees - he feels magical, powerful, alive. James is grinning so wide his face looks like it might split in half. There was something bothering him, though - a line James had improvised during their introductions.

He had gestured to Alex and said, “And standing here next to my best friend and soulmate of sorts, I think we should start the show!” and Alex couldn’t get it out of his head.

“How about we go back to the hotel now? I feel too excited to go to bed but I think we deserve a bit of wine?”

Alex agrees, but the thoughts bother him even when they’re sitting in the hotel chairs opposite each other, pouring wine.

“Honestly can’t believe that we even made it to touring, figured after we ended the podcast, yknow,” James trails off.

They don’t talk much about what drove them to end the podcast - what some people could describe as a break up, though Alex argues they hadn’t even made anything official.

He doesn’t like to remember the day James ended things, or the weeks that followed.

Despite wanting to remain on good terms after the ‘break up’, Alex thought it best they end the camp cast and wait to do further projects together after they had both cooled down.

James was sad, apologizing countless times, but in the end it was for the better.

Alex rids his mind of any thoughts that had to do with the month he spent in a depressive spiral - ending their podcast, running off to America, ignoring just about everyone who tried to reach out to him from London.

He remembers being referred to as James’ soulmate, the memory fogging everything in his mind yet again.

“I’m proud of us,” Alex says, tilting forward his wine glass to clink with James’, “Bit tiring though, isn’t it?”

James scoffs, “Well yeah, we’re leaving our flats for the first time in years, shoulda wore sunscreen,” He smiles in the way he does when he knows he’s being unfunny but funny at the same time. Alex thinks he looks pretty.

He’d been looking lovely recently, quite frankly, his eyes seem more sure of themselves, and it makes Alex proud. Happy.

It’s a word he’s struggled with for so long. He hated the word when James had left him, thinking his life dull without his hands in his. He realizes now that he can be happy without being in a relationship with James - at least that’s what he oh so desperately wants to believe.

“I hope all the rest of the shows go as well.”

James is silent for a moment, sipping his wine and looking absolutely radiant under the lights.

His eyes sparkle and his beard is freshly trimmed, necklace hanging loosely around his neck and shirt clinging to him in all the right places. He looks gorgeous, quite simply.

No matter what the status of their relationship Alex always thinks James is beautiful - it was almost something he could define as objective rather than his opinion. James is gorgeous.

“I don't know if I could do this with anyone else,” James decides, face becoming uncomfortably serious.

“Even Fraser?” Alex jokes, eyebrows raised in a teasing manner.

“You know I love the boy but he and I don’t have quite the same … Creative chemistry, you could call it?”

“I know what you mean,” Alex nods, because he does.

Everything him and James create together people adore, their humor and personalities contrast but match together perfectly.

When they’d slowed down their content together people missed it so dearly, and Alex temporarily forgot his passion for making content in the first place.

But now, as creative partners as they’d ever so eloquently named themselves, were thriving.

“Do you miss Oliver?” James asks, all too casual like a shift of the stance; If Alex didn’t know him better he’d think the question genuine.

“Only been a day, mate,” Alex chuckles, lips pulled in a tight smile. He knows James far too well - the curious way his lips curled upwards, eyes burning into Alex’s soul.

“Day's all you need to miss someone you love, Alex,” James says, words too careful - calculated, even, for either’s likening.

“James,” Alex sighs, “Thought we weren't gonna do this.”

"Not doing anything,” James assures, hand raised up in a surrender, “Just being poetic.”

“Poetic you are, indeed.”

_Alex had begun to find himself almost addicted to being with James._

_The sensation of dark locks sliding through his fingertips, lips slick and numbing at the edges from too long into a lazy make out._

_Kissing him revived him, flashes of life throbbing with every swipe of the tongue or deepening of the kiss._

_Kissing him felt like spring - love strengthening and blossoming with every deep breath after a pull away, bodies and souls rejoined together as their lips meet again. _

_They were kissing for hours, Alex thought, even though when he looked at the clock barely even thirty minutes had passed._

_James looked at him with such adoration in his eyes that Alex almost felt guilty, for there was no doubt in his mind someone else deserved the power of his gaze more than he._

_He felt small, at first, then overwhelmingly lucky after. James brushed his lips across Alex's forehead, fingers prodding gently at his sleeve where he'd begun to feel warm at the touch._

_"I can feel your worry," James says, "What's got you so anxious, sunshine?"_

_Alex felt nervous, then. A combination of worry, James' soft voice, and the sweet side of him he never really showed anyone else had been made into a cocktail of too many emotions._

_"You," He answered, honestly, "Feel like you're gonna leave."_

_"Love," James whispered, "I wouldn't dream of it. Think about it like this: You see - you see the strings on your hoodies, right?” He mumbled, fingers hooked on one side of the string,_ _“These two strings can be close, or separated like this, but when you pull them out, they’re part of the same string.”_

_Alex watched as James ties said strings into a bow, head bowed in the soft amber light of his bedroom. “No matter what happens to us, whether we’re together or not, we’re part of the same string.”_

_“James,” Alex started, a lump rose in his throat, “You absolute melt that’s the most beautiful thing_ _i’ve ever heard.”_

_James rolled his eyes but there was a pink hue dusted across his face as he lets the bow fall onto Alex’s chest, hands settled on his shoulders, “You get what I mean though, right?”_

_Alex nodded, fingers stretching outward to squeeze James’ shirt between them, “Yeah, I do. I think I -”_

_He paused, the dread and the thrill coming to him in flashes, blinding light hurting his eyes as he stumbled for the right words, “I think I’m starting to love you,” He said, holding onto him tighter like he could slip away. _

_“I’m getting there pretty fast too,” James assured, leaning forward to peck his lips softly, pulling away briefly before their lips locked again._

_It was like a movie, a twisting excitement of pure love and an adoration Alex had never had before. James was different than anyone he’d ever been with, and Alex thinks he might be in too deep. _

A week of shows go by, James repeating the ‘soulmate of sorts’ line over and over until it’s all Alex can think about. He and Oliver had called a few times, but the blonde is someone who feels weirdly far away when he’s not beside him.

“Miss me?” Oliver chimes, “Might be able to visit towards the end of your tour, if you fancy.”

“You should,” Alex replies, not able to bring himself to answer the first part of the question. It’s not like he didn’t miss him - just that the thought didn’t cross his mind as much as it should.

“How’s James?” Oliver asks, a bit of tension in his voice.

He knew about the romantic history with Alex and James, at least the front of it. Alex said he didn’t like to talk about it, which means Oliver didn’t know about the ‘i love you’s and the way Alex had imagined their future so clearly, how real it felt. He didn’t want him to know.

“He’s good, sitting outside right now, on the balcony. We keep getting hotel rooms with balconies.”

Oliver is silent, breathing heavily through his nose, “I have to go, uh - getting a call from Lisa, wants to meet me for a photoshoot I gotta do my hair and all.”

Alex sighs, eyes rolling at the downside of dating a model, “Okay, we can call later?”

“Sure. I love you.”

Alex feels his throat tighten, gazing at the boy sitting on the balcony. James’ legs are stretched in front of him, thoughtful eyes cast on the beer in his hand. He has an air of wit about him that Alex never quite understood, but it was endearing nonetheless.

“Love you,” Alex croaks, feeling a rush of emotions he hated. For some reason the words felt too hard to say in that moment.

They’d been dating for long enough, and it’s not the first time Oliver had said it, but for words with such weight Alex doesn’t know if his arms can hold them up. He hangs up pretty fast afterwards, standing through his mist of near despair as he groans.

“James,” He sighs, opening the door, “I need alcohol.”

James looks up at him, offering his beer with a sympathetic smile, “Rough night?”

Alex sits on the floor, not caring about chairs right now, and pulls his knees to his chest, “Don’t wanna talk about it. Distract me.”

“What do you want to talk about?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Alex shrugs.

“What do you think happens after death?”

Alex sputters on the beer he had started to sip, “Well that’s an interesting question!”

“You said anything!” James laughs, sliding off his chair to sit next to Alex on the floor. The ground is cold and a little uncomfortable, but Alex remembers hours he’d spend on his own balcony with James beside him talking about nothing and everything for hours. It’s a fond memory.

“I don’t know,” Alex starts, handing the beer back to him, “As a kid I always thought about purgatory, you know? But I guess now I think about karma and all that shit."

“Fascinating,” James nods, “I believe in karma too. I think that if you do bad things to good people, bad things will happen to you.”

James looks him in the eye like he’s staring through his soul, gaze burning. While his hold on him is hard, Alex thinks he looks a bit apologetic as he speaks, and he knows what he means.

“But I also believe people can be forgiven,” Alex says, not breaking his eye contact. In the corner of his eye he sees James’ fingers tighten around the bottle to which he held.

“Maybe some people don’t deserve forgiveness, no matter how much they regret their actions.”

The night James left, Alex thought he’d never be able to forgive him - but as hours, days, weeks passed he realized that he loved James, and he needed him in his life if it was romantic or not.

There’s a silence both too quiet and blaring at the same time, the conversation continuing with just eyes and so little words.

Alex felt nervous under his gaze, a feeling he never quite felt with Oliver. He hated that he was always comparing them in his mind, but a slight of arousal bubbles in his stomach as he watches James cock his head and chew at his lip.

He’s over him, he promises himself - and even if he wasn’t, it didn’t matter. He has a boyfriend. He thinks of fights he’s had with Oliver, little snippy arguments about cereal or needing space that end in reluctant kisses as Alex tries not to still be mad over it.

He thinks of James, The arguments they’d have when he was stressed out that lead to apologies and promises to get better, to handle it differently next time. James encouraging him to always speak his mind and always try new things whilst Oliver keeps him doing what he already knows.

It’s a stark contrast and the fact of that almost makes him feel like he’s falling apart. He’s falling apart.

_“My hands are too small for this,” Alex sighed, stretching his fingers across the strings. _

_“Probably,” James laughed, reaching out to guide his fingers, “There you go, pet.”_

_James, always so gentle with him, smiled down to where his knees touched the others. Last time Alex checked the clock it read two a.m, but as he glanced out the window to see the sun peeking behind distant buildings he thought he ought to pay more attention to things that aren’t James. _

_It’s hard though, when James was right there, looking beautiful and soft and loving, hair messy from hours earlier and voice trying to be quiet in means of not waking Fraser. _

_“Now what?” Alex asked, almost shocked at how soft his voice sounded. He’d never been that lovestruck, absolutely adoring everything someone did. James was different than anyone he’d been with, in every sense of the word_.

“_You_ just strum, idiot.”

_Alex laughed, doing as he’s told. James’ hand was still gently guiding his fingers up and down the guitar, showing him chords._

_“See, not that hard.”_

_“You’re too good at this,” Alex sighed, setting the guitar beside him and extending his hands to wrap around the back of James’ neck._

_“No, you just give up too easily,” James teases, looking pretty with a cheeky smile on his face, red dusted across his face that’d been there all night._

_Alex hums, leaning forward to kiss him gently, a simple soft brush of the lips, “Not always,” He said, leaning his forehead against the others, “I wouldn’t give up on you.”_

_His skin is warm like the rest of him. _

_The air changed, then, from a calm, casual warmth to a crash of reality, Alex realizing again that James is different._

_It felt warm, still, James’ hold tightening on him as his breathing lulls Alex into a comfort. _

_When Alex pulled back he noticed something in his eyes, though, an almost heavy worry laid between a thicket of brown ropes, the ever so present sparkle looking at him as if he may slip away._

_“I love you,” Alex whispered, a swell of absolute adoration present in his chest. He was being honest, he knows, never before saying the words so easily like he meant it._

_“I love you more,” James responded like a secret no one else could know - not because he was embarrassed, but because of how important those words were to both of them. _

_Alex grinned gleefully, “I like it when you say that,” He admitted, “Say it again."_

_“I love you.”_

_“Again.”_

_“I love you,” James repeated, “No matter what we are or continue to be, I love you.”_

_Alex felt it then, a feeling that James was his future, next to him always. They’d never discussed what they are, never put a label on it, but that was okay. Alex was willing to wait forever just to hear James say he loves him. _

The days he spends with James seem to only make his worries grow, from the way being around him started to feel to the way it felt better than being around anyone else. Guilt is heavy on his shoulders, thinking about Oliver made every muscle in his body twist.

Alex gets flashes of the past whenever James so much as stands too close.

He remembers the feeling of his fingertips pressed into Alex’s wrists and his lips on his neck. He remembers the sound of his laugh next to his ear, how he’d grab hold of Alex’s hands to stabilize himself.

He remembers how James’d leave his hand in his, rubbing slow circles across his skin.

He remembers the feeling of his hands sliding up and down his back, waking him up with soft kisses to his temple. He remembers the hours he’d spend listening to James sing - being the only one to hear his soft melodic voice until he gave him the courage to post a singing video.

He remembers kissing him and how it was his favorite feeling, suddenly missing the taste of his lips. It’s almost a physical change Alex experiences the flashes of memories, teetering in his stance.

They’re out at some club near the hotel of their halfway point show in the tour. The lights become overwhelming as his eyes dart with every change of light. He reaches out, grabbing onto James, the only things he recognizes in the world seemed too foreign to him suddenly.

But James, the feeling of his sweater under Alex’s fingers, his hand gently resting on the small of his back, is so familiar.

“Al, hey,” James whispers, “Alex.”  
He looks up, catching James’ gaze - his smile - and he’s right back where he began, feeling weak in the knees, “Can’t breathe.”

James guides him through the crowd of people, a soft hand still resting around him and gently urging people out of the way.

Outside feels less terrifying, the air feels crisp against his bare arms and the street lamps making the streets glow.

“M’ sorry,” Alex mumbles.

“Don’t be,” James assures, rubbing his arm in comfort. Alex’s skin tingles under his touch reminding why he was so worried in the first place, “You don’t have to explain yourself, wanna go back to the hotel?”

Alex nods, so they do. They get in the uber and Alex feels his nails itching his hand until it turns red from rawness, he hadn’t even noticed he was moving at all.

James reaches over, slipping his hand in Alex’s to occupy it, “No scratching,” He explains, squeezing his hand. He leaves it there.

_He hated it when they fought, Alex sighed. It wasn’t anything too big, just them both being snappy from stress and James being distant as a reaction._

_Anxiety melted through him, strong ripples of worry into pools of what he wanted to say._

_He scratched at his scalp until it bled and feel too strange for him to touch. He scratched the skin of his hand until it burned and he could see lines where his nails were._

_It was compulsive, he knew that, but as the tension in his chest grew as did his itching. _

_He crawled into James’ bed like he usually did, because whether they fought or not, he felt safer with him nearby. From his desk, James turned to glance at him, seeing his nails at his hand and leaving his computer._

_“Hey hey,” He said, taking both his hands between his and kissing the red skin, frowning to himself._

_“I upset you.”_

_“Wasn’t your fault,” Alex promised, fingers closed around his hand, “Was just paranoid.”_

_“Paranoid because of me,” James muttered, words blending together, “I’m sorry darling.”_

_“Don’t apologize,” Alex said, “It’s okay.”_

_“I’m still sorry,” James sighed, “I adore you, you know.”_

_Alex shook his head, slipping his hands away to grab hold of his shoulder, climbing in his lap and smushing his cheeks between his palms, “Shut up, bellend.”_

_James smiled, his hands rubbed his legs affenctionatly, “I don’t deserve you. You’re too good for me, love.”_

_Alex disagreed, because he thought James was the best person in the world, and no one could possibly compare. _

_“No,” Alex sighed, his fingers brushed James’ hair back so he could kiss his forehead, knees still on either side of his hips, “I _love you.”

_James leant back so he was laying on the bed, Alex gasped as he went down with him. They erupted in small laughs, Alex wrapped himself around the other, grinning so wide his cheeks hurt. This, he thought. This felt like home._

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” James asks when they get back to the hotel, setting the key card on the side table and shaking off his jacket. Alex swallows, truly not knowing.

“I don’t - I don’t know. Everything is so complicated and stupid and hard and I hate it, I hate everything.”

James sighs softly, doing nothing but wrapping his arms around Alex and holding him to his chest. The kind of hug that makes you feel safe, solid, alive.

His fingers, prodding gently into his skin act as a sense of stability and reality while he whispers soft words into Alex’s ear. It’s too intimate, Alex thinks, alone in a hotel room grabbing at his ex ‘boyfriend’ to comfort him as he sobs.

“Please don’t leave me alone,” Alex whispers despite it, “Don’t wanna be alone.”

“You’re not,” James says, quietly and softly like he used to, “And you never will be as long as I have a say in it.”

Alex believes him, this time, because he’s still there, arms and hands and words and all. A palm rests on the back of his head, holding him to James’ chest, hiding his face from the world that threatened to disrupt his peace.

“I’ve got you,” James promises, “I’ve got you now.”

It’s an hour or two later when he decides to finally check his phone, a string of messages being there.

**Oliver: **Alexxxx

**Oliver: **Where u at?

**Oliver:** Didn’t forget about me did u

**Oliver:** ):

Alex normally would reply with reassurance and a smile, but the messages glare at him through the screen. They almost annoy him to read, everything feeling fake. Guilt strikes him, now. He shouldn’t think of Oliver, his boyfriend that way.

**Alex**: Too tired tonight, x

He drops the phone beside him, catching James’ attention from where he’s reading. His glasses are perched on his nose, hair messy from a day of performing. He looks cute.

The twin beds are beside each other with just a table separating them, but Alex’s mind imagines a sea of covers between them instead.

“Bothered?” James asks, leaning his head against the headboard and raising his eyebrows like he could feel him staring.

“Can I vent to you?”

“Always,” He closes his book and turns his full attention to Alex, smiling as encouragement.

“I’m unsure of so many things right now,” Alex says vaguely, knowing too much detail will give away what he means.

The left corner of James’ mouth twitches upwards, meaning he already knows. “Oh?”

“Yeah I - I dunno, I just wish I could tell if I’m happy or not?”

“If you’re upset over whether or not you’re happy, you’re probably not happy,” James says, calculated like he always seemed to be when he speaks. “Is there something I can do to help?"

Alex hums, “Go get me a pack of cigarettes?”

James chuckles, “You’re twenty.”

“Don’t wanna leave the hotel,” He frowns, jutting out his bottom lip to forward his message.  
James purses his lips, eyes settling in a glare, “Damn puppy eyes.”

Alex laughs, settling into a smile when James stands up to find his shoes, “Thank you, genuinely.”

It feels too familiar as James looks at him, fingers pausing from tying his shoes to shoot him a smile. Alex remembers times he’d kiss him goodbye, lips and fingers on his collar lingering a little too long.

James returns with his cigarettes and wordlessly goes with him when he goes out to have one.

“This becoming a thing again?” He asks, nodding in the direction of his pack.

Alex’s mind heard the words before he understood what they were referring to, making his cheeks burn red, “Huh? Oh - uh, no it's just a stress reliever, not serious.”

James nods, understanding. He always understands.

“Wanna tell me what's going on?” He asks, watching Alex light the stick and smoke pouring from his mouth.

“Just second guessing a lot ‘s all,” He tries, swallowing hard as his guilt seemed to consume him.

James is quiet, looking at the floor, thinking. Always so thoughtful, “Second guessing what?”

“Everything,” Alex whispers, a cotton-like feeling on his teeth from the long forgotten taste of tobacco. “Oliver.”

He regrets saying it as soon as it leaves his mouth, seeing the change in James’ eyes. “Oh? Why’s that?”

“He just… I dunno, things feel so weird and almost superficial, and the longer it goes on the more I notice it.”

“Alex,” He says, “Are you happy?”He thinks giving any sort of honest answer would let James into a world of ideas and ways to get Alex back, and knowing all too well that if James wanted to, he could. Which is why Alex won’t give him the chance.

“Yeah,” He lies through his teeth, “I’m happy.”

James raises an eyebrow like he knows - and he probably does, always knowing Alex better than he knows himself.

“Alright,” He says, leaving it there. He’s taking the high road, Alex knows. He’s doing it so he can pull out some card later, and the thought scares him.

_“James,” Alex said, fingers gently prodded over the curve of his jaw. The man looked at him still, not saying anything but a soft ‘Hm?’They were laying down, inches apart, just enjoying each other’s love. _

_“Do you believe in soulmates?” He had asked, fingers curled behind his neck and thumb brushing across the sk_in.

_James was tracing hearts across Alex’s hip bone, but his hand came to a stop as he thought, “Yeah, I think I do. Why?”_

_Alex flushed red, James obviously knowing the answer to his question, “Cause if they are real,” He shrugged, “I reckon I’ve found mine.”_

_“George?!” James mocked, eyes going wide and ja_w _dropped_. 

_"Shut up!” Alex laughed, “Obviously I was talking about Fraser.”_

_James grinned as he chuckled, “Seriously though, I think you’re my soulmate. No matter who you’re with or where you are, I think we’ll end up together one day. Like uh - like magnets!”_

_Alex was apprehensive_ _about the fact that they didn’t have any sort of label, but as James looked at him, eyes soft with love and trust, he shrugs it off. _

_“I only want to be with you,” Alex said. _

_“I know,” James mumbled, a small bit of sadness flickering through his eyes that made Alex’s stomach turn, “I know, love.”  
_

Tension seemed to build from the day he admitted to James that he was second guessing things.

James touched him more - in a friendly way, mainly, or maybe that was just a disguise. Phone calls with Oliver got shorter as the blonde kept cancelling visits for other things, work, social promises, family.

James had been drinking too much tonight, Alex thinks, or knows rather. When James’ alcohol level goes up, so does his confidence, his filter disappearing almost completely.

“No orange juice! Blasphemous” James sighs.

“It’s a mini bar,” Alex chuckles, “They’re not gonna have your every desire.”

The hotel room they got was nicer than some of their other ones, a small ‘kitchen’ in the corner with a counter, mini bar, and a stove for people who stayed there for days upon days.

“They bloody well should,” He sighs, grabbing his glass to sip it and leaning his hip on the counter. “I’m gonna sue.”

James looks handsome in the hideous neon lights of the hotel kitchen lamp, everything from his eyes and nose and mouth seemingly perfect. Alex had a bit to drink too, but not nearly as much as the boy before him, eyes burning into him.

“You’re pretty.”

Alex shakes his head, cheeks warming, “Shut up, nonce.”

James smiles, “You don’t have to lie to me you know,” He says, “I know you’re not happy.”

Alex raises his eyebrows, “And why do you think that?”

“I know, Alex, because I know you. And listen, I think you’d be better off with me.”

All of Alex’s worries erupt in that moment, boiling over in such anxiety and fear he doesn’t know what to do.

All the differences appear in Alex’s mind, then. James’ hands are big, warm and soft while Oliver’s are slender and calloused from work. James’ features are curved, dark, body soft. Oliver is hard bones and angles. Oliver is quiet and thoughtful but a people pleasure, a bit of a push over. James is outspoken and annoying and frustrating but the easiest person to talk to.

James looks at him over his wine glass, lips curled into a smile and eyes a dark brown, “What we have,” He says, vaguely gesturing between them, “Nothing can compare.”

Alex feels breathless, like all the air has been sucked out of him. His veins are on fire, and every second he looks at him he feels like he’s blowing away.

“But, Oliver, I’m-”

“You’re not happy with him,” James says, shrugging, “M’ not a homewrecker, but I told you I’d always want you to be happy.”

Alex remembers that night, the tears and flashes of gray and despite never wanting to relive it, he does

“_I_ _want to talk to you,” James had said, or mumbled rather, avoiding his eyes._

“_James? Are you oka_y?”

“No,” _he said. “Is there anything you need to do, but really really don’t want to?”_

_Alex felt uneasy as he grabbed his hands, “Talk to me.”_

_“All I do is hurt you,” James muttered, fingers tracing over Alex’s hand, “I have so many things that I need to work on. I handle problems by shutt_ing _down, I hurt you without even meaning to.”_

_Alex raised an eyebrow, anxiety spiking in his chest, “What do you - James I'm fine, I can deal with your little outbursts until you're happy with yourself.”_

_“I can't make you happy until I'm happy with myself. I like seeing you happy,” James said, “And as much as I want to make you that way, I need to get better myself before I can… Before I can love you the way I want.”_

_An overwhelming fear of losing what he was so desperate to keep, Alex wiped his eyes, lips quivering despite his wishes, “James, I - you’re what I want, I want to love you.”_

_James took his hand, avoiding his gaze - he’s crying too, Alex can tell. His face was twisted like he’d been thinking about this forever, and he probably had._

_“I’m not good enough to love you - to have you love me. Maybe one day I will be, but you need to find someone else, someone who can love you the way I want to. The way I can’t.” _

_“James,” He choked, hands finding him and pulling him in for a hug, the kind you give when someone returns from the war. “Stop, I love you.”_

“_And I love you,” He said quickly, “So much that I can’t let you be with me right now. I want to be your boyfriend, your one and only, But I can’t. I can’t.”_

_James holds him close, like he’d never see him again, whispering soft utterances of ‘It’s okay’ and ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘I love you so much’._

_Alex grips into him, because despite the anger and feelings of abandonment, he understood. _

And now, the way James is looking at him, beautiful and loving - is so bloody complicated.

Oliver is simple, being with him is easy, and maybe that's why Alex feels himself slipping away so quickly. James is complicated, and loving him is difficult and tricky but it feels so good - and so right.

Refreshing. Maybe Alex liked things to be a bit complicated, he soon realizes all too disappointingly.

Alex really wants to kiss him and immediately feels guilty at the thought, but it would be so easy. He could grab his collar, yank him forward, kiss him hard. But he doesn’t.

“You have no right to tell me about my relationship when you did what you did.”

James frowns, and guilt is written all over his face, “I know, and mostly this is just impulse, but I’m being honest in everything I tell you. I know you, Alex.”

“You left me,” Alex says, “When you said you wouldn’t. You set me free, how am I supposed to believe you’re suddenly ready to love me?”

James sets down his glass on the counter, “Alex,” He says, the sad twinkle in his eye mirroring that of the night he left, “I have always loved you. I did before that night, as I left, and now. Oliver is a lovely guy, I like him, but you…”

He trails off, knuckles brushing across Alex’s cheek, “You know we belong together. And nothing, not now, not then, not ever is going to be able to stop that.”

Alex feels his eyes flutter at how warm James’ hand feels against his skin, his words stirring something inside him so weirdly.

It was heat, the feeling of James’ touch still lingers even when he drops his hand, trickling down his face and igniting through his bones.

It hurts, in a way, burning so deep that Alex doesn’t know if he’s standing or floating, lost in a pain he thinks he’s addicted to.

“You can’t - you can’t do this, not now, I was finally happy.”

“I know you’re not. You forget how well I know you, and if I believed you were actually happy I’d stop - And I will leave you alone if that’s what you want - I can go back to being just your friend and creative partner or even just get out of your life if you’d rather, but only if you’re really happy with him. And I mean genuinely, a hundred percent.”

Alex feels a lump rise and fall in his throat, panic stabbing through his ribs. The need to defend his relationship with Oliver rises as he stumbles over his words, “No one is a hundred percent sure of anything-”

“I am,” James interrupts, voice boardering on desperate, “I’m a hundred percent sure that I’m in love with you, Alex. And I’m a hundred percent sure that you’re who I’m meant to be with.”

Dying - Alex feels like he’s absolutely positively dying.

“Do you love me too?” James asks, eyes flickering across his face, “Answer honestly.”

His heart is exploding in his chest. He thinks about Oliver, his soft hair and gentle hands, his kind words and the way he makes Alex feels safe.

He thinks of James all too soon after that. He thinks about his strong arms and the way it felt when he kissed him, the stupid fun they’d have, the way he made Alex feel alive.

“I can’t,” Alex responds, “I can’t love you.”

James’ face falls, fingers gripping at the counter like he might keel over, but Alex is speaking again in no time, “Which is why I absolutely hate the fact that I do. Because I do, more than you know. But you - But Oliver.”

James nods, “I can’t tell you to do anything, You’re in charge of your own life, and if you want to stay with him then that’s your prerogative, but when two people are meant for each other? When they’re soulmates? It’s inevitable. We’re inevitable.”

James walks away then, to his hotel bed, and lets Alex simmer in the small kitchen, feeling the need to gasp for his own breath.

_"It's hard," Alex said to Erling as the two watched the L.A sun set._

_"Every part of my wants to fight, tell him to stay with me, tell him I'll be there until he's better but..."_

_"Sometimes people gotta figure stuff out alone," Erling finished eloquently, always so quick to tie up Alex's loose ends._

_"Glad I decided on a holiday," He whispered, shutting his eyes and leaning against the park bench. Mind cloudy from the joint Erling had shared earlier, Alex thought he liked America, liked being away from everything for a while._

_"I miss you, y'know," Erling interrupted his thoughts, "Glad you're here, s'all."_

_Alex forces his eyes open and smiles, "Don't get all sappy with me mate," He says, "You got a pretty good life here, nice little family."_

_Alex liked Hannah, liked their dog Gary too, but everything in America had changed so much after he left._

_"I think London is good for you, though. Before the whole not-quite-breakup-breakup it was the happiest I'd ever seen you."_

_Alex nodded, shoulders feeling heavy, "I dunno if loving anyone else could be possible, not in the same way, maybe."_

_Erling shook his head then, "Alex dude, you gotta love yourself."  
_

_It struck a chord with Alex, a deep vibration of realization. Erling was right. He was always right. Alex had been beating himself up over it all, but he had an opportunity to grow, and for that he was thankful._

He sighed, head dropped onto Erling's shoulder as he groaned, "Guess I gotta talk to him about being friends now, huh?"

Alex thought it would be easy to see Oliver when the boy said he was coming to visit.

But now, as the boy messages him that he's close to the hotel, Alex feels a twist of anxiety.

"Oli close?" James asks, looking at him gently as if he might break.

"Yeah," He mumbles, avoiding his eyes. Looking at him was hard after their talk.

"Don't let my declaration ruin seeing your boyfriend," James says then, "I'd feel like such an arse."

Alex almost laughs, looking at him for the first time that morning. He looks sleepy, first off, eyes still hooded and soft.

Tufts of his hair spiked in all directions, dark locks that Alex felt himself wanting to run his fingers through. Alex remembers what if felt like to do so before he expels the thought. Oliver has nice hair too. He's who he should be thinking of.

"Yeah," He decides, "Just - when he's here, act normal could you?"James turns, a shit-eating grin on his face, "When am I anything but normal?"

When Oliver arrives he kisses Alex hello, his lips feeling almost foreign. What had become a comfort was so quickly falling from his grasp. He felt like a stranger.

"Missed you," He whispers, "You look pretty."

Alex's stomach turns but not in the way that it did with James. No, it wasn't butterflies, it was an uncomfortable dread.

"Missed you too," He assures. He lies because facing the truth would be so much harder. The fact that he hadn't missed Oliver since their first week on tour brought him so much guilt, he feels like he's slowly boiling over.

"James!" Oliver greets, hugging him quickly, "Been fun?"

James smiles oh so charmingly, teeth and sparkle, "Tour's been great, sad it's almost over."

Seeing them beside each other is even more jarring than Alex thought it'd be. This is gonna be hard.

"Is that..." Oliver trails off when he sees the pack of cigarettes by Alex's hotel bedside.

"Yeah," Alex says, nervous, "Just was stressed, not a habit or anything."

Oliver smiles, settling his hands on Alex's back, rubbing comforting circles over his shirt.  
It's nice, and for a moment Alex remembers when he and Oliver started dating, all shy smiles and quick kisses.

But then, all too fast he feels guilty. He shouldn't, he tries to rationalize. He didn't cheat, never even tried to kiss James, but he wanted to. He so desperately wanted to. And maybe that’s enough to make him a bad person.

James gives the two boys space for the most part, keeping to himself - besides the quiet glances he thought Alex wouldn't notice. (or perhaps he knew Alex would notice after all).

"You feeling okay?" Oliver asks, hushed and gentle.

"Yeah," Alex swallows, "Wanna go sit outside maybe?"

Oliver nods and Alex quickly grabs his phone and cigarettes from his table. James catches his eye when he goes to close the sliding glass door, gaze burning.

Alex swallows, feeling overwhelmed. He feels like he's drowning.

The air outside is chilly, it bites at his nose and he feels a gentle breeze through his hair, grounding him in a way.

"I've been so bored without you," Oliver admits, sitting in the chair across from Alex as he watches him light his cigarette. "Casey - my manager - has been so annoying."

"Oh?" Alex asks, less curiosity than he normally would have. He's heard enough stories about Casey and Oliver's agency, too many nights the taller had ranted about being a model.

He looks like a doll, almost, which was what had been so intriguing about him. His features were perfect, almost unsettlingly so.

Looking at him is odd, now, Alex struggling to remember what it felt like to be infatuated with him.  
It's only been a few weeks since he was last in his arms, and yet as he reaches over to touch his hand, he feels like a stranger.

"James seems well," Oliver tries, head tilting to the side slightly, "Happy, at least."

Alex nods, cigarette tasting weird on his tongue, a layer of guilt unwavering, "Yeah, he was meant to be on a stage."

Oliver runs his thumb across Alex's free hand, "Babe?"

The pet name is unnatural, Oliver was never prone to them, "Yeah?"

“You okay, Alex?” Oliver asks, across from him like James was a few nights ago - when he absolutely tore Alex’s life apart.

“Yeah,” He replies, hushed and thinking. Because he wanted to be, and because he had to convince himself he is.

“You’re not,” He decides, “I know you well enough, Elmslie. What’s wrong? C’mon, talk to me-”

“Can I breathe, please?” Alex snaps, immediately regretting it.

It’s silent, Oliver’s annoyed eyes staring at Alex’s cigarette, “You’ve been acting so weird recently."

“This is the first time I’ve seen you in weeks - can’t exactly act weird over call.”

“But you have been!” He protests,

“You’re being so weird, you don’t look at me the same, everything’s a big deal or tension, I wanna know where my boyfriend went.”

Alex wishes, so desperately that he could float away with the smoke of his cigarette. He feels nauseous and overwhelmed and he absolutely hates it. He looks through the glass of the sliding door to where James sit, headphones on and tapping his fingers to whatever he was listening to.

He looked such a contrast to Alex, in a calm little bubble away from the storm between Alex and Oliver, yet he was the bloody cause of it all.

Was he, though? Alex isn’t sure anymore. He’s angry at James for interrupting the track Alex was on with Oliver, and even angrier at himself for missing what the two had more than he wants to keep Oliver close to him.

“Ah,” Oliver sighs, making Alex look over at him, “It’s him, isn’t it?”

“Huh?” Alex chokes, acting dumb. Acting dumb because Oliver’s voice isn’t agressive or hurt, just quiet and oddly understanding and Alex thinks that might be worse than hostility.

“You’re falling in love with James again, aren’t you? I’m not dumb Alex, don’t treat me like I am.”

It hurts, because even if what James said was true and Alex wasn’t as happy with Oliver as he thought, the boy means a lot to him anyway, and hurting him hurt even more, “Oli -”

"Alex,” He interrupts, “Please spare me the bullcrap.”

His disdain for swearing, something Alex used to find cute now feels overwhelmingly annoying in a matter of seconds.

He knows he’s being dramatic, Alex always knows, but as he looks at the boy before him he starts to recognize him less and less.

“Do you love me, Oliver? Genuinely, not just as a thing to say before we go to bed.”

The blonde blinks, hesitantly looking him up and down, “Alex, that’s not -”

Alex almost laughs, hitting his cigarette before speaking, “You don’t love me, and that’s okay, but at least be honest about it.”

“You’re one to talk,” Oliver huffs, “Least I’m not in love with someone else.”

“I never said I’m in love with James -”

“But you are, aren’t you? You think I don’t see how he looks at you? How you look at him? I’m not stupid Alex, I knew it was only a matter of time.”

That hurts more than anything, Alex thinks. He’d been trying to convince himself for so long that he was over James and happy with Oliver, to have it all wash away in a month feels like a punishment.

“It takes a lot to love someone,” Oliver continues, “And it takes two people to be in a real relationship. I care about you a lot Alex - do I love you? Maybe not, but you matter to me.”

“I care about you,” Alex says, voice softer than it had been all evening, “Everything’s so confusing."

“I’ll put it this way,” Oli shrugs, strands of blonde hair falling in his face, “If you really wanted to be with me, James wouldn't have changed your mind so easily.”

Alex considers this, swallowing, “Oli, I - I’m sorry.”

“Stop,” He whispers, “I can’t make you love me the same way I can’t make myself love you. We work great and friends, but as a couple? Maybe not.”

The air is thick as Alex glances over to James again, who’s now laughing down at his phone. He sees his thumbs dance over his screen and eyes squinting as he smiles and maybe this is what Alex wants. What he’s always wanted.

Oliver shakes his head, hands clenching and unclenching as he looks to the ground, “I need… I need to go, I should go, I’m gonna go.”

“Oli…” Alex trails off, looking at him helplessly.

The blonde sighs, reaching out to touch his cheek gently, “I hope you find happiness, Alex. Genuinely.”

Alex leans into his touch, eyes fluttering closed. It felt like a goodbye.

He thinks of Oliver’s toothbrush he’d urged Alex to let him keep in his bathroom. He thinks of where his jacket sat in the corner of Alex’s room and the way he always used the same mug when he stayed over.

It’s a weird kind of feeling in the pit of Alex’s stomach. It doesn’t feel the same as when James left, the emptiness and the tears and the absolute despair. He’s sad of course, and how could he not be? Breaking up is something that was hard no matter how the relationship was.

And he does care about Oliver, three or so months of dating developed them a connection - but the feeling in Alex’s body is relief, almost. Like he knows who he is. Oliver leaves, giving him a smile and disappearing into the hotel room to gather his things.

The cigarette is out and Alex tries to think about what’s happened, reflecting, sighing, trying not to feel too relieved. 

The sliding door opens a while later after Alex had stopped thinking so much and James sits beside him wordlessly.

Alex turns to him, eyes meeting, “Oliver and I broke up.”

James’ eyes widen, for just a second before he swallows, “Are you okay?”

Typical James, so selfless. “I think I am, yeah,” Alex nods, “It… It was our time.”

James taps softly on the balcony chair, “I could be so selfish right now,” He says matter-of-factly, “I could tell you how long I’ve waited to be able to have you again - I could lean over, kiss you, take you inside like I’ve wanted all bloody tour.”

Alex feels a strong bubble of desire in his stomach, one he hadn’t felt in a long while.

“But I won’t,” James continues, “Because I want to give you time to think about what you really want.”

In that moment, the only thing Alex can think about wanting is James, all of him. This man, though Alex may have wanted to ignore it, is the best thing in his life.

He runs a hand through his hair as a yawn approaches him, tiredness catching up to where it should’ve been hours ago.

“Thank you,” Alex whispers, “I’ll tell you when I figure it out.”

James nods and reaches out to pat him on the arm, “Wanna go back inside?”

Alex sighs, the thought of a bed so appealing and the thought of James across the room even more of a comfort.

“Yes.”

_The music blared in Alex’s ears, consuming his every sense. Being without James by his side felt so… different.  
_

_He wasn’t dependent on him, he could live without his love, but he didn’t feel right. He didn’t feel happy. He was still in his life, even now, he was across the room talking to George.  
_

_It had been a couple months since they stopped what they had, which was like going cold turkey. No more kisses, no more nights spent together, no _more impulsive dates. _It hurt.  
_

_But he knew he needed it, and that James did too. Didn’t make it any less painful.  
_

_“Alex! Take your headphones off you knob,” George teased, throwing a pillow at him.  
_

_He did, and offered a smile, “Sorry.”  
_

_James looked at him over George’s shoulder, eyes solom, like he was the one _who should’ve been apologizing.

_All Alex could think about then was their first kiss, under a London street lamp, James had leant down and asked if it was okay. Alex of course had nodded, hands raising to either side of James’ face to pull him even closer.  
_

_They hadn’t cared if others saw, because all that mattered was the magic shared between them.  
It seemed like decades ago to Alex in that moment. In that single minute, everything he felt for James seemed to well back up, even the things he’d pushed down. He had to break the eye contact._

“Our last show,” James says backstage, swallowing visibly.

“Nervous?” Alex asks, looking up at him with almost a cheeky smile.

“No,” James decides, “Not with you.”

It’s an answer that makes Alex feel warm in his chest, pink blossoming across his cheeks.

“This has been the weirdest three months of my life,” Alex tells him, fixing his sleeve.

“In a good way or bad way?” James asks in hat pointed tone of his. Alex knows what he means.

“Good,” He decides, “Learned a lot about myself and what I want.”

“What you want?” James asks, looking more nervous than he had before any show they’d done so far.

Alex reaches out, taking James’ hand in his own. It’s a feeling so familiar and so perfect, his warmth and softness making him feel weak. This. This is the hand he’s meant to hold.

“When we get home,” He says, looking at James who’s fingers close around his own, “Let’s talk.”

“_So you’re dating someone,” James said, picking at the fuzz on his jumper. _

_“Going on dates with, not dating,” Alex shrugged. _

_James nodded, “What’s his name?”  
_

_“Oliver, why - why are you asking?”_

_James put his hands up defensively, “Just cu_rious.”

_“James,” Alex said, “You broke up with me and told me to find someone, you can’t be mad at me for doing so.”_

_“I’m not mad at you,” James promised, “It’s just… Something I have to get used to. I’m happy for you, really.”  
_

_Alex sighed - he knew james well enough to tell he was lying about being happy. But what could he do? “Thank you.”  
_

_James looked down then, before standing and excusing himself with a parting, tightlipped smile. _

_The tension weighed on Alex the rest of the night. Oliver invited him to dinner and he declined. He was cute, funny, and very sweet, but Alex couldn’t go on a date with him while James consumed his every thought.  
_

_Which, unfortunately, was often. He’ll get over him, Alex convinces himself. It will happen. It w_ill.

Two days after James and Alex had arrived back from tour and three things are circulating in his mind - jet lag, Oliver’s stuff in his flat, and James.

George had been supportive of the breakup, especially after Alex poured almost every detail to him the night he got back. “You need to do what feels right to you.”

Now, as Alex stands before James’ apartment door, his emotions are stronger than ever.

He knocks and is greeted by Fraser - who no doubtedly know’s everything as well based on the way he grins and lets him in with little words.

The walk to James’ bedroom feels like an eternity, soft music slipping through the cracked door. He hesitates before he pushes it opens it further.

“Alex,” James breathes, setting aside the guitar he was previously occupied with. He looks a mix of nervous and excited, and Alex feels like he matches it.

“Here to talk,” he says, leaning against the door frame.

“Come sit,” James says, patting the spot beside him. Alex steps over and sits, folding his hands before him. “What do you want to talk a-”

“I’ve been thinking so much the past few months. About you, and the breakup with Oliver, and myself and what I want and, for the most part, I don’t know what the hell I want. Except, I know I want you.”

James’ face splits into a grin but Alex continues quickly, “And I want nothing but to be with you, fully, but I’m so bloody scared James.”

“Al,” James frowns, “I’m so sorry..”

“How… How do I know you’re not going to leave again? I don’t know if I could handle that-”

“Hey,” James says softly, scooting closer and resting a hand on his knee, “I know I made the right choice when I did, I needed to grow on my own, and I have. And you have. And now, all I want more than anything is to love you with everything I am. I do. I love you with everything I am and ever was. You’re my forever, Alex.”

The tears flood like a tsunami and Alex is wiping his eyes, almost laughing at the juxtaposition of now and the night James left. It felt so yin and yang, black and white, feelings crashing around them both they’d held in for so long.

“James, jesus christ I love you so much,” Alex gasps for breath as his head falls to James’ shoulder.

“I’m so sorry for hurting you, but I know, I know so genuinely, that you’re it for me,” He gently adjusts Alex so they’re eye to eye. James wipes away his tears with his thumbs, “I’m rarely sure about anything, but I am so sure that you’re my everything. Alex, I’m going to marry you one day.”

He chokes on a sob, throwing his arms around James neck and sending them both back onto the bed. Alex peppers kisses across his face and pauses, looking at his lips.

“Don’t wait anymore,” James whispers like petals floating in wind, “We’ve waited long enough.”

Alex kisses him. He kisses him hard, every prolonged gaze and gentle touch coming to a halt.

They’re both crying and it’s messy and a little ugly but Alex knows, more than he’s ever known anything before, that this is what he’s meant to do.

These are the lips he’s meant to kiss, the arms he’s meant to be enveloped in, James is who he’s meant to be with.

He's who he's meant to love.

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked it, please please PLEASE comment your thoughts/emotions!! i put my blood sweat and tears into this fucking fic and i'll cherish each and every comment ! mwah, hope you enjoyed x


End file.
